As a young lad I may have watched an adult film or two on VHS tape. I may in fact have worn out the remote control on the VCR from such viewings. I remember one scene where an orgasmic woman hosed down the set like it was on fire, and my youthful reaction was, “What the hell just happened?”

Before we get into the phenomenon known as “squirting,” let’s examine how we each have our own pet bullshit, also known as the Isaac Hayes Gambit.

Good old South Park. No sacred cows on that show. They’ll rip apart any bullshit they see, and the now deceased Isaac Hayes, who voiced “Chef,” always went along with it until they attacked his pet bullshit.

See, Hayes was a Scientologist.

And although Hayes was always cool with the show’s satirizing of just about anything, South Park crossed the line for him in 2006 when they went after his beloved L. Ron Hubbard bestowed prophecy, and he quit the show (note: it’s believed he quit due to pressure directly from Scientology, and he chose his cult over his career).

My friend the SciBabe has had this happen on her Facebook page, often in reaction to her criticisms of the paleo diet. She’s shared more than one of my anti-paleo rants and paid the price.

Yes, her followers will heap praise for her attacking anti-vaccine / anti-GMO / alternative medicine pushers, but if she shares something that criticizes paleo many of these same people will misplace their excrement over her exposing their pet bullshit.

It happens on my Facebook page as well. I’m consistently exposing bullshit in health, fitness and nutrition, and my followers eat it up. Except every once in a while I post something that attacks their pet bullshit, and then Felicia declares a flounce.

The best comic strip in the history of the universe is Calvin and Hobbes. I’ve read all the books several times and they survive every purge of the basement bookshelves. I recall one strip where Calvin needs to do a school report on a newspaper clipping and he selects from a National Enquirer type rag an article with the title “Space Alien Weds Two-Headed Elvis Clone.”

That title reflects what I think of homeopathy. For me, the proclamations are equally valid.

Homeopathy is a skyscraper of bullshit, and I’m amazed that so many can actually believe in it. I criticized it on my page once, and many got all pissy and left. Oh, and I guess I’m going to lose more now. Adios, muchachos. Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.

Speaking of the lord, with one exception, I stay away from discussion of religion, and for good reason. Hell, I made a brief criticism of the efficacy of acupuncture once and it was like I’d said something bad about golden retriever puppies.

People protecting their pet bullshit is an interesting phenomenon, and I’m not sure how much my recent witnessing of such a thing is going to enlighten anyone, but it gives me an excuse to talk about female orgasms, so here we go.

Last fall the immensely popular (and increasingly click-baity) Facebook page “I Fucking Love Science” shared the results of a study of female squirting during orgasm. (Not to be confused with female ejaculation, which is a whole ‘nother level of confusing.) Over 40,000 people commented on that post. And another 1,200+ commented on the article on the IFLS site before they closed it down.

I was reminded of this because Alternet recently shared the results of the same study, and both on their site and on their Facebook page there were many comments that mimicked what took place on IFLS.

What were the comments? First you need to look at the conclusions of the study: female squirting from orgasm is urine. Not magic goddess nectar, but pee.

Yeah, yeah. Only seven women. Not a perfect study. Blah fucking blah. People lost it. “IT’S NOT PEE!!! I’M NOT PEEING ON HIM!!! SHE’S NOT PEEING ON ME!!!”

Let’s forget the study for a moment and, very carefully since we’re discussing genitalia here, pull out Occam’s Razor.

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK IT WAS? WHAT ELSE COULD IT POSSIBLY BE?

Oh, I know. You want to believe that it’s mystical goddess orgasm juice. Especially the guys. You imagine your penis is so magical that it opens a rift in the space-time-vagina continuum and transports clear pure spring love nectar into her birth canal for a forceful expulsion as a sign from the creator that you indeed are an amazing lay.

Nope. Just pee. While there are such things called Skene’s glands that can ejaculate a small amount of milky substance from the urethra at the same time (or separately), we’re talking about “squirting” here: a mass release of watery fluid – sometimes as much as a cup full. (If you’re willing to go way NSFW you could Google “Cytherea”, but if you get busted you didn’t get that name from me.)

The reality is that women who experience squirting don’t have some extra “orgasm bladder” that contains all that wonderful pure liquid and is also conveniently attached to the urethra, from which it is projected. But if you squirt, or you have made people squirt, it’s not nearly as sexy to understand that it was mostly plain old urine. So you believe some pet bullshit instead, and when science shows otherwise, you have a little tantrum.

Well, not you. You’re cool. I’m talking about those other folks who stopped reading a while ago. They can’t handle the golden truth.

We all have our own pet bullshit that we like to believe, and imagining that squirting is something other than pee isn’t one of the harmful ones, so it’s okay if you want to think this study is full of shit. Or pee. Or whatever.

But learn the value of checking your ego. I know thinking is hard, but think anyway. Try to be more objective with what you hold dear, do your own exposing of your own pet bullshit, and go forth into a brave new world better informed of reality.

And maybe wash those sheets while you’re at it.

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James S. Fell is an internationally syndicated fitness columnist for the Chicago Tribune and author of Lose it Right: A Brutally Honest 3-Stage Program to Help You Get Fit and Lose Weight Without Losing Your Mind, published by Random House Canada. He also interviews celebrities about their fitness stories for the Los Angeles Times, and is head fitness columnist for AskMen.com and a regular contributor to Men’s Health.

 

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