Humans and Neanderthals have a common ancestor dating back to half a million years ago. But as you will see, Neanderthals split off and became the superior species. How is it possible that they were superior if they’re no longer around, you ask? Patience. All will be made clear.
The first and most important part to explain is that Neanderthals do still exist; they exist within you. The average human is made up of 2% Neanderthal DNA, and this program is all about making that 2% the dominant 2%. Are you ready to unleash your full potential?
Yeah, sure. Full potential to go extinct.
Nonsense. The Neanderthals were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s only dumb luck that caused the far inferior homo sapiens to rule the world.
A little history …
400,000 years ago the Neanderthal ancestors left Africa for the harsher climes of Europe in search of more abundant game and … adventure! They thrived, and they changed. First off, these were the superior, more hardy, intelligent and adventurous of the early humans. What we know as human today wouldn’t disperse from the African continent until more than 300,000 years later. They were too wimpy to accept the challenge of heading into dangerous, unexplored territories to conquer it and rip the meat from the bones of new and interesting wildlife. They were the beta males of the day. Neanderthals were the earliest examples of being the dominant alpha male.
To handle the colder climates and tougher prey they had to stalk and kill, Neanderthals grew more muscular and powerful. When homo sapiens finally grew a pair and left Africa they had changed as well; for the worse.
Because water was scarce in Africa, natural selection favored physiques that could excel at endurance. It bred people who were lean cardio junkies who were big on eating carbs. When they met up with their ancient ancestors in Europe who had been thriving there for millennia – the Neanderthals – there were significant differences, primary among them being that Neanderthals were, on average, 80% stronger and far more muscular.
Some of these Neanderthals went slumming and interbred with homo sapiens, and lucky for you that they did. That’s where your 2% Neanderthal DNA comes from.
Neanderthals also had a larger cranial capacity, indicating that they were probably more intelligent. Remember, these were the ones who had the audacity and intelligence to disperse from Africa more than 300,000 years earlier than homo sapiens, so they were most certainly not an inferior race.
And homo sapiens didn’t kill them off, a super volcano did. Like I said: wrong place, wrong time.
Approximately 40,000 years ago a volcano in modern day Italy called Campi Flegri went full Chernobyl and wiped Neanderthals from history. Homo sapiens were lucky enough to have spread a little further away from the volcano and survived the eruption.
Now that you know the superiority of the Neanderthal species, I want you to be motivated to unleash that DNA that resides within you. You will not just become an alpha male. You will not just become more Neanderthal. You will become Alpha Neanderthal!
Through my secret dietary and training protocol you can become the ultimate modern human: stronger, faster, smarter and more resilient. What’s more, you’ll become immune to all human diseases by making your Neanderthal DNA dominant. You’ll never get sick again! You won’t even need to get vaccinated.
Here are the basics of the Unleash Your Neanderthal DNA Protocol:
- It starts off with detoxing yourself from the modern, homo sapiens dominated environment with my patented NeanderCleanse™
- After that, you’ll need to start on my Neanderthal DNA Enhancer™ supplement regimen.
- No cardio, ever! Cardio is for scrawny beta homo sapiens! It destroys your muscle mass, wrecks your metabolism and increases body fat by as much as 300%!
- Lift heavy, but no gym required! This is all about embracing your inner, hyper-muscled troglodyte. You’ll be carrying heavy rocks for your furniture and for building your new abode, and carrying prey for miles back home after having stabbed it repeatedly with a sturdy thrusting spear. No throwing spears! Those were used by the inferior homo sapiens!
- Diet: High meat. High fat. Fuck carbs.
I know paleo is all the rage, but paleo is still about being a wimpy homo sapiens. You need to go back further than paleo and become the ultimate human by bringing your Neanderthal genes to the fore.
Join me in forging a superior race to dominate the earth.
DISCLAIMER: James Fell and Alpha Neanderthal Enterprises are not responsible for any sickness, injury, adrenal fatigue, delusions of grandeur, sanctimonious proselytizing or death that results from following this protocol.
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James S. Fell is an internationally syndicated fitness columnist for the Chicago Tribune and author of Lose it Right: A Brutally Honest 3-Stage Program to Help You Get Fit and Lose Weight Without Losing Your Mind, published by Random House Canada. He also interviews celebrities about their fitness stories for the Los Angeles Times, and is head fitness columnist for AskMen.com and a regular contributor to Men’s Health.