I’ve been doing battle with the bulletproof, livin’ la vida heart disease, alpha fail, Wizard of Oz, füd babes of the world, and somehow these ten asswipes missed my notice. Time to let these bastards have it.

You definitely do NOT want to visit their websites, follow them on social media, or take any of their advice, because they are the 10 Biggest Assholes in Health and Fitness.

10. Jen Sinkler

Credit: Melissa Floyd
Credit: Melissa Floyd

I hate Jen Sinkler because she can squat the entire planet while twisting off my head to use my neck as a chalk holder. This woman obviously has no concern for my delicate male ego, and so she makes me cry man tears. It is misandry, plain and simple. What about my male rights to be stronger than all women? What about that?

Excuse me, but now I have to go cry into the Internet about how feminism is evil.

 

9. Alan Aragon
Fuck you, Alan Aragon. You know how this guy operates? You spend a bunch of money to travel alan mug shot (side)to see him speak, and then he invites you to some “before party” in his room and proceeds to get you hammered on his signature drink: the “screwed” driver, which is three-quarters vodka with a hint of OJ. So the next day he presents and you’re fighting off an alcohol-induced brain tumor and he’s throwing all this “science” at you, and then he closes off by saying that healthy eating is 80%, and I quote: “Having a fucking life.”

Dafuq? Where’s the fear mongering low carb meal plan? Where’s the sugar detox plan? Don’t you know anything about what people want?


8. Nick Tumminello

First off, the guy’s last name has two “m”s in it, and that just doesn’t look right. Nick, you should get it legally changed to “Tuminello.” It’s smoother.Screen Shot 2015-05-07 at 1.34.37 PM

I watched Nick present recently and he was talking about how he’s “stronger” than some powerlifter because he can rapidly climb a rope to the ceiling without using his legs, and the powerlifting dude can’t. Nick: don’t you know that the three big lifts are all that matter to anything? Elite marathoner? Who cares about that – how much can you bench? Rhodes scholar? Fuck off and tell me your squat PR. Invented technology to raise the dead? Sorta cool, but can you actually deadlift?

Strength is “context specific”? What the hell does that mean? Your incessant wisdom is giving me a headache by making me think. And you said you haven’t done traditional bench in two years, yet have big pecs. That is the biggest dick move of all.


7. Amber Rogers
Screen Shot 2015-05-07 at 1.28.42 PM
I don’t get it. “Go Kaleo” is the name of your website? What the hell does that mean? Kale based paleo? Is kale paleo? I thought butter and bacon were the only super foods.

And how dare you say I should love my body. I’m not getting motivated until you shame me back to the Stone Age. Don’t you understand that’s how people get in shape, through constant belittling and pointing out their trouble spots and telling them they’re not beach ready until they do your 21-day belly fat melting miracle cleanse?

I guess that’s to be expected from someone whose BMI is in the overweight range. Only men can have +25 BMIs and call themselves healthy. No way a woman is allowed to have that kind of muscle. No way.


6. Dr. Yoni Freedhoff
What are you, some kind of commie?

You realize that Coke adds life AND jobs, right? You got something about selling calories to

Credit: Couvrett/Ottawa
Credit: Couvrett/Ottawa

kids? I don’t know how they do things in the People’s Republic of Ottawa, but in the rest of America Junior we praise the job creators, and if we try to stop them from marketing their wares then the whole system collapses, and then it’s Soviet era breadlines. Who cares if they do a little health washing, influence government health policy and use nutritionism to say Dunkaroos are healthy because of the added Vitamin D.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for a healthy chocolate chip caramel coated granola bar. It’s healthy because it has granola. Says so right there on the package.


5. Kai Hibbard
Everyone knows you did it for the money.

Oh, sure, you can spew some sob story now about how The Biggest Loser was mean to you and taught you all about disordered eating when you were the top woman contestant in Season 3, but we know the real story is that you sold your story and made a fortune. Like, I’m sure you’re way richer than Jillian kaiMichaels now. So rich, in fact, that you’re not the least bit afraid that TBL might hold that non-disclosure agreement against you and sue your ass off. You have Bill Gates type money from selling out and saying the show is all about fat shaming people, and not at all realistic. How can you say the show isn’t realistic? The people lost the weight, didn’t they? And I’m sure everyone who goes on the show learns healthy and sustainable habits, right? They don’t gain the weight back, right? So what’s your problem, Kai? Why you gotta hate on TBL so much? The show only wants to help and inspire and sell lots of DVDs. People don’t need your type of “body acceptance.” That’s loser talk.

I actually heard that NBC donates all their profits to charity.


4. Dr. Spencer Nadolskyspencer
Docs who lift my ass. You gotta be a real doctor first. And unless it says “MD” after your name you might as well be some “Dr.” Johnny B diploma mill douche.

Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine? That’s the same as Mercola has, right? Everyone knows that real MDs never sell out, so that must be why you didn’t get a real medical degree. And did you skip all the classes where they taught you how to button a shirt? Sure, walk the talk, but get your tits out of my face. You’re only inspiring me to hate you with your bulging, glistening, rippling, sculpted, oily, hairless …


3. Georgie Fear
FAIL! The word “Fear” is right there in your name, so how the hell did you write a book about georgiegetting lean without using any fear mongering of food? You should have called it “Fear Habits: Sculpting Abs Through Orthorexia.” Did you miss the memo about sugar being toxic?

Yeah, I know, I wrote an endorsement for your book, but I take it back. I was detoxing from sugar and wasn’t thinking straight and thought your preaching of moderation actually seemed logical. But if it’s so logical, how come all the New York Times bestselling diet books don’t do it, huh? How can you ignore that the market wants to eat based on their troglodyte blood type four hours a day while in a buttered-coffee hot tub because bacon?

And the title is “Lean Habits.” How come I only count four abs in your photo? I guess the marketing folks decided “Sort Of But Not Quite Lean Habits” was too wordy of a title. So much for truth in advertising. If you’re proof of moderation working, then the collapse of the Soviet Union is a ringing endorsement for communism.


2. Bret ContrerasBRETScreen Shot 2015-05-07 at 1.31.47 PM
Bret, you can’t possibly think that I’d let the guy who was all about the ass get off my list of top 10 assholes, could you?

Actually, God bless you, Bret. You made it your mission in life to help create beefier female booties, and that’s a beautiful thing. And you give away piles of great fitness information on your website, but WHY MUST THE POP-UP WINDOW TO SUBSCRIBE TO YOUR EMAIL LIST COME UP ON EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN PAGE?


1. James Fell
Look at this fucking guy.

jamesHave you ever wanted to punch someone in the face more than you do right now? It looks like Nickelback’s hairstylist dropped some bad acid then attacked his mop with a chainsaw. Who does that to themselves and then doesn’t immediately decide it was a horrible idea and shave their head before photographic evidence can immortalize it? An asshole, that’s who.

He thinks he’s so smart and funny, and that paleo is stupid, and fat people are human beings. Body for Wife? Way to rip off a title from the bestselling get in shape book of all time. Talk about lacking originality. I bet his wife is tired of his shit. Oh, he got a book published by Random House? Yeah, in CANADA. Nice try, loser. ‘Murica or GTFO.

Fuck this guy.

 

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James S. Fell is an internationally syndicated fitness columnist for the Chicago Tribune and author of Lose it Right: A Brutally Honest 3-Stage Program to Help You Get Fit and Lose Weight Without Losing Your Mind, published by Random House Canada. He also interviews celebrities about their fitness stories for the Los Angeles Times, and is head fitness columnist for AskMen.com.

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