This article is gonna be nuts! – Nick Patel

 

I remember my father once making reference to his vasectomy, saying he now “Shoots blanks.”

I was a barely a teenager at the time, and thanks to a lock on my bedroom door and access to my friend’s older brother’s Playboystash, I was familiar with the aftermath of the male orgasm. In my young mind, my father’s words meant that a vasectomy resulted in nothing coming out any longer. Like, nothing at all. Many agree that it’s not the most pleasant of substances, but I wasn’t sure how I felt about the idea of having an orgasm and having nothing else to show for it, so to speak.

Best decision of my life. –Matt

Considering the state of sex education in many places, perhaps, like I once did, you think this is what results when you get a vasectomy. It is not. A vasectomy is so named because it involves the severing of the vas deferens. These are the two tubes that connect the testicles to the outside world. Testicles produce sperm, which is the male sex organ contribution to making babies. That sperm travels up the vas deferens and mixes with fluids produced in various glands. That fluid is called semen. A.K.A. jizz, spunk, splooge, load, cum, cock snot, wad, penis colada, dong water . . .

I got one because my wife developed severe preeclampsia. It was recommended that she not carry a child again after our son. A vasectomy seemed like an easy and cost-effective choice. –Joshua

When you sever the vas deferens, only the sperm is removed from semen, resulting in about a 2% reduction in total semen volume. All you Peter North wannabes can rest easy. If you don’t know who Peter North is, I must warn you not to google that while you’re at work.

I live in Georgia, and my partners would likely already have passed the draconian “heart-beat” deadline before they even realized they were pregnant. I got a vasectomy to ensure that they’d never be placed in that position. –James

Post vasectomy, assuming the procedure was successful, which it almost always is, you can no longer make babies. You can only make a mess.

Well, not immediately afterward. They want you to still use an alternative form of birth control for a few months to ensure all the remaining swimmers have been flushed out.

The procedure was quicker, cheaper, and less pain than any of crowns I’ve had put on my teeth. –Ken

A vasectomy has no effect on testosterone levels. It only redirects the sperm. You won’t be any less of an action hero super stud. The only difference it makes is you can’t get anyone pregnant.

We wanted to be able to stay in man defense, which you can do with two kids. Three kids means switching to zone defense. –Chris

Some people don’t want kids, and that’s fine. It’s not like there is any shortage of crotch goblins in the world. And children blast the most horrifically foul substances out of every hole, expecting you to clean it up for the first several years. And they’re so expensive. And loud. Loud in the middle of the night. I swear, all babies are born on Tokyo time. Unless you’re in Tokyo in which case it’s GMT or some shit.

And they expect to be fed, like, every day.

Finally put my foot down and told him a few years ago I wanted off the pill. He agreed, had the vasectomy, absolutely no problems, sex has been that much better without the need for a condom and he tells everyone he wishes he’d done it years earlier. –Jennifer

Or maybe you already have kids and realized the existential horror of how this isn’t ever going to end because next they’ll be crashing your car and then wanting money for college and probably be living with you until they’re thirty because they got an art history degree and we fucked the economy. And when you’re old they won’t call or visit but instead blame you for why they’re so fucked up so why would you want even more of that to face down?

The freedom it provides is AWESOME. –Tommy

But a vasectomy? Why should you get one? I mean other than the obvious “I don’t want kids / don’t want any additional kids” answer. Can’t women get the sterilization procedure instead? Can’t she take the pill? This is my nutsack we’re talking about here. I don’t want some doc taking a scalpel to that. This is my fucking manhood! I won’t be a real man if I can’t blast my DNA all over creation. No. Fuck you. I’m not doing it.

Wimp.

Before splitting up I convinced my ex to get one. We had two kids together and he already couldn’t handle being a parent. I told him it would be in his best interests to NOT create more kids he wouldn’t be able to provide for. –Gwynne

Let’s start with the pill. It comes with an increased risk of blood clots, deep vein thrombosis, cardiovascular disease, and some types of cancer. Not to mention that it has around a 4% failure rate (due in large part to people forgetting to take it every day).

My IUD got stuck and took three tries, ending with anesthesia and a scope, to remove it. It was a no-brainer for us that a vasectomy was the next option for us. –Kerry

As for the tubal ligation, which is the female sex equivalent of a vasectomy, I talked to my wife about that. She’s been a practicing family physician for twenty-three years, and she told me, “A tubal ligation is done in a hospital under a general anesthetic. A vasectomy can be done in a doctor’s office in five minutes.” The down time for a tubal is far longer, and the procedure is no picnic. “They are performing surgery deep inside your body in proximity to vital organs with a tubal ligation,” my wife said. “That comes with far more risk.”

Since it’s less impactful to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have tubal ligation, I had it done. –Jason

Getting a vasectomy is less invasive, less of a hassle, and less painful than a typical trip to the dentist. I had a root canal last month and I’d rather get five vasectomies than another one of those.

It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. We don’t have kids, and don’t want them – this was a way from my wife to come off of the pill, which she had been on for over a decade at that point. The minor discomfort for a few days was nothing compared to the freedom we gained from this. –Paul

And here is the thing. Even though this is pretty much a nothing procedure, if you are in a relationship, your partner is usually pretty damn grateful for you doing it. Like, inordinately grateful. I got mine done on a Friday back when Blockbuster Video still existed. The day before I’d rented a bunch of movies and purchased a pile of junk food. I went in, the guy froze things with a needle, which barely stung at all, made a surface-level incision, cut the vas deferens, sewed me up, and it was not a big deal. I know some guys get Valium beforehand, but I needed to drive myself home and don’t feel like I needed a sedative at all. It was even a manual transmission. Using the clutch was a little sensitive with all the leg movement only fifteen minutes after having the job done, but I managed.

I was so relieved when my hubby got one. –Leah

Then I spent the rest of the day drinking beer, shoving salt and vinegar potato chips and peanut butter Häagen-Dazs into my maw, and watching scenes of hyper-muscled warriors battling hideous aliens in an intergalactic orgy of high-definition violence while my wife looked after the kids.

My kids were making their own kids. –David

And the next day I got to do it all again. She took both of our kids out for the day, and even though she’s the one who went through eighteen months of pregnancy, two rounds of squeezing humans through a small orifice, and I can’t remember how many months of WAAAHHH!!! Me want suck life juice out of boobies!!! WAAAAHHH!!! I was the one who got to feel like a hero for building a wall between my sperm and the outside world. Actually, it’s more like digging a trench. No, that’s not right. Blowing up the bridges? Collapsing the tunnels?

Shortly after the birth of our second daughter, my wife and I were getting back to having a sex life again when she stopped me and asked if I was wearing a condom or if we were gonna go for a third. I made the appointment the next day. –Chris

Afterward, this guy I worked with, whose wife was pregnant with their first, said to me, “You’re fucking crazy, man. No way I’d ever get a vasectomy,” to which I replied, “Why not?” and he said, “Because real men don’t do things like that. We don’t let knives near our balls.” I explained the comparative risks of a tubal ligation and he remained unmoved.

He and his wife had planned for only two children. After their fourth arrived, she said he was never going near her again until he got a vasectomy.

It was $72 for my husband to get a vasectomy vs $1200 for me to get my tubes tied.
After 4 kids in 5 years we were beyond done. –Nyssa  

Birth control for people with women’s sexual organs are not without risk and have a much higher failure rate than a vasectomy. The tubal ligation is not a simple procedure. Pregnancy and childbirth can be very dangerous. Not only that, but certain doctors/regions can be real cocks toward people wanting a tubal ligation because of patriarchal bullshit that respects the decision to get a vasectomy but imagines that people with uteruses lack the same agency and might change their minds.

My ex-husband had one after I had 3 kids in 4 years, but doctors refused to perform a tubal on me because I was under 30. Funny, no one questioned his decision. –Amy

Compared to all that, a vasectomy is nothing.

Watching my wife over the years try different methods of birth control and seeing the various really rough side effects that she had to deal with and knowing that I’d have an easy surgery with minimal downtime and recovery made the decision a snap for me. –Joss

If you have testicles and engage in activities that can result in getting someone pregnant, and you don’t want children or don’t want any additional children, then it is imperative you get a vasectomy. This isn’t up for debate. There isn’t any “Oh, but there are other options” kind of bullshit. Those other options suck, and yours is easy, so just do it.

Scheduling mine this afternoon. –Craig

I will note that you should be as certain as possible about your desire to not reproduce anymore because while a vasectomy can be reversed, reversal is a far more difficult and expensive procedure, and it is not guaranteed to work.

I got mine about three or four years ago, purely because I don’t want kids, ever. –Barry

As an added bonus, I have heard from many people that their sex lives improved after their partner got a vasectomy, because the fear of pregnancy was gone. No longer having a loaded gun pointed at their uterus gave them peace of mind to better enjoy the experience.

Apparently, the look on my face when they declared “don’t worry, I’ve had a vasectomy!” was just spectacular. I’d never slept with anyone who had one and it was such a joy to not be responsible for birth control. –Anon

What more reasons do you need?

 

Want to shout your (or your partner’s, if you have their permission) vasectomy? COMMENT HERE

Read below for more people shouting their vasectomies.

 

After three pregnancies, it was the least I could do for her. –Paul

My procedure and recovery were both a breeze. Having had it done has bumped my sex life, too, as it turns out that my wife had some anxiety about getting pregnant again, and this wiped that out. –Troy

I don’t have any business bringing a child with my issues into this world. –Red

I was sick of using condoms and it made no sense to expect my wife to use birth control if I could just undergo this simple, one time procedure with no side effects. –Jacques

My husband had a vasectomy after the birth of our third child, and 3 horrible pregnancies that almost killed me. –Beth

I wasn’t interested in letting her go through all the pregnancies and then another procedure that happened to carry more risk than a vasectomy. I did it for both of us. –Will

Got one at 24, the earliest I managed to scrounge up the cash for it. I’ve known I never wanted kids since I was 16. –Odd 

Were you yelled at and called a slut and other vicious things on your way into the Dr’s office to have your vasectomy? Did you have to go to a judge to fight tooth and nail to have your vasectomy? Did you have to undergo 2 tests where they shoved a camera up there to show you what you were giving up? Were you forced to undergo counseling to “make sure” that vasectomy was really what you wanted? –Jen

Pregnancy risk free since 2003. –Shawn

My ex fought it for a long time, but my postpartum depression was so bad after each pregnancy that I was terrified of another so he finally gave in. He admitted it wasn’t as bad as he thought, and actually phoned me after our divorce to thank me. –MOMentous

Firing blanks is the best. –Dean

Really the worst part of the whole thing was the itch as my thatch grew back. –Anon

We were informed by her specialist that another pregnancy could have catastrophic effects on her, with death actually being on the continuum of consequences. –Anon

I told my husband that I was done putting artificial hormones into my body. –Wendy

I finally got it at 31 after the recent wave of state legislatures passing abortion bans. –Wesley

One of the few things my ex did that I can look back on and say, “well done”. –Lisa

My wife was constantly dealing with side effects of contraception devices or pills. –Dan

I did it so she wouldn’t have to. –Anon

With her recent health issues, me getting it done easily made the most sense. –Anon

Did wonders for our sex life, as we can be spontaneous! –Anon

My husband had one maybe 5 years ago, at my encouragement. He wasn’t thrilled but after I had a couple late periods, he saw the fear in my eyes and booked it. –Anon

 

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James S. Fell, MA, MBA, has bylines in the Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, the Guardian, TIME Magazine, and many other publications. His blog has millions of readers and he is the author of two books: The Holy Sh!t Moment: How Lasting Change Can Happen in an Instant (St. Martin’s Press, 2019), and Lose it Right: A Brutally Honest 3-Stage Program to Help You Get Fit and Lose Weight Without Losing Your Mind (Random House Canada, 2014). Order them here.

 

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