In the 1982 version of The Thing, a science fiction movie starring Kurt Russel at his best, there is a scene where the alien has taken over someone’s body, and then … if you’ve never seen the movie this is kind of hard to describe … the alien can do weird shit to a body that it’s mimicked. In this case, the alien makes the body’s head pull off, and then the head sprouts spider legs and begins to crawl away.

For 14-year-old James in the early 80s, it was freaky as shit.

Anyway, the movie takes place in Antarctica at a research station. And the dudes there are obviously under a fair bit of stress because an alien is ripping through their camp with a heap o’ killin’. It starts by taking over one of the dogs in the kennel and tentacles and shit are whipping out everywhere and the character Clark says, “I dunno what the hell’s in there, but it’s weird and pissed off.”

And when the weird and pissed off head with legs decides to take itself for a stroll, the pot-smoking character named Palmer says in the most You gotta be fucking kidding manner, “You gotta be fucking kidding.”

I’m not talking about a “Hey, Britney! I just bought these brand new Uggs and then spilled my pumpkin spice latte all over them” and then Amelia says “You gotta be fucking kidding” kind of usage.

This is a human head that grew spider legs and started scurrying away kind of usage.

I needed to run through that preamble so you’d understand just what kind of You gotta be fucking kidding I uttered when I read in the Guardian that Pete Evans told a woman with osteoporosis to remove dairy from her diet because, according to Pete, there is “evidence” that dairy removes calcium from bones.

When criticized for his lack of qualifications, Pete said, “What do you need a qualification for to talk common sense?” So, wait. Are we talking about examining scientific “evidence” for dairy removing calcium from bones, or common sense?

And since Pete doesn’t have any qualifications, he endeavors to make those who do have them look bad, such as when it comes to fluoride, “Why are doctors the experts in fluoride? What are their qualifications to be up-to-date with the neurotoxins that fluoride is?”

Who is Pete Evans? He is a scourge who calls himself some kind of paleo chef. I don’t know. Who cares? Paleo jumped the shark years ago and is the scientology of diets. Also, fuck this guy.

And by “fuck this guy” I mean that no one should ever fuck this guy. Why? Because he’s a menace who is a danger to the public. According to the Guardian, “The Australian Medical Association has accused the celebrity chef Pete Evans of endangering lives with his unscientific advice on fluoride, calcium and sunscreen.”

Pete has recommended people stop taking cholesterol medication, referring to it as “potentially deadly.” Unlike heart disease, which is totally not the number one killer of people worldwide. Why does Pete know better? Because “Food is medicine” and “The wisdom of crowds far outweighs the corruption and fear mongering of the media.”

He also seems to think that a paleo diet can reverse autism. Because … wisdom of crowds again?

It’s okay. You can trust Pete, because his wife insists, “He’s not a whack job.” Hint: If your wife must go around telling people you’re not a whack job, you just might be a whack job.

This is the same brainless sack of scrotum snot whose book The Paleo Way for New Mums, Babies and Toddlers was dumped by its publisher two years ago (it was later self-published) because of concerns by experts who said bone broth is not safe for babies, and that the book recommends intake of Vitamin A that is 10 times that of what is acceptable for the wee ones.

But the guy has his fans. Pete is the co-host of a top-rated cooking show and has over 1.5 million followers on a Facebook page that I refuse to link to. Perhaps he keeps going deeper into the derp because he’s seen how well epic dumbfuckery works for that Dave Avocado shitstick, whose Facebook page (also not linking it) has reached over 10 million followers.

Humans are stupid.

I have written before about how we’re primed for fantastical beliefs. I can understand about how people can be cult-like in their anti-sugar ravings, but what is it that gets otherwise intelligent people to cross the line into the most mentally-deficient-flat-earth-anti-vaccine-chemtrail-lizard-overlord-InfoWars-chocolate-is-an-octave-of-sun-energy bullshit? I just don’t get it.

And yet, it seems like the further you leap across that line, the more fans will line up to throw money at you.

Pete’s a charlatan, plain and simple. He’s selling snake oil disguised as bone broth, and millions are pulling out their spoons and their wallets to slurp it up.

I predict that we will only see Pete go further and further into the dumbfuck dietary dark side, all while his fan base and bank account continue to grow.

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James S. Fell, MBA, CSCS, is an internationally syndicated fitness columnist for the Chicago Tribune and Los Angeles Times, and author of Lose it Right: A Brutally Honest 3-Stage Program to Help You Get Fit and Lose Weight Without Losing Your Mind, published by Random House Canada. He is head fitness columnist for AskMen.com, and a contributor to Men’s Health, Women’s Health, the Guardian, TIME Magazine, and NPR.

 

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