Here, on this 92nd day of the 2016 year of some people’s lord, I have decreed the incontestable laws of health, fitness and weight loss that I shall now bestow upon you mere mortals to live and thrive by forevermore.

Behold!

  • Oprah Winfrey’s conjoined twinning with Weight Watchers will solve the obesity epidemic.
  • Jillian Michaels is not just “America’s Toughest Trainer,” she is America’s BEST! Watching her DVDs and appearances on The Biggest Loser endows one with PhD-level knowledge in exercise physiology.
  • Calories don’t count because the reduction of carbohydrates tears asunder the space-time-insulin continuum to transport belly fat to an alternate dimension, enabling you to back the Kerrygold butter truck up to your coffee cup and drink your fatty fill. Because science.
  • If you’re fat it’s your entire fault and the only way to lose weight is via intense self-loathing. I shall berate with insults about your appearance, industriousness and eating habits until you are thin. What’s your excuse?
  • Mom bloggers are a more reliable source of vaccine information than are medical doctors. Injection = autism.
  • Marijuana cures cancer, but they don’t want you to know about it.
  • #PaleoForLyfe!
  • Women should never lift a weight heavier than three pounds, so be certain only to buy small containers of milk and ensure your babies are born prematurely.
  • Not only will selling Isagenix via multi-level marketing make you slim, it will make you rich! Oh, and it’s totally not a cult. Neither is Herbalife.
  • CrossFit is the best form of training there is, especially for marathon preparation.
  • If you don’t eat based on your blood type you are certain to develop leukemia.
  • Sugar is toxic. And eight times more addictive than cocaine. And don’t forget toxic.
  • You only have so many heartbeats, and cardio uses them up faster. Never do cardio.
  • If Kim Kardashian sells it, it works.
  • Speaking of It Works! It Works!
  • If you don’t eat GMO-free fair trade organic helper monkey picked produce you’re eating a big bowl of bowel cancer.
  • Two words: chemtrails.
  • Gluten is worse than nuclear waste with a radioactive half-life of forty-eleven thousand years.
  • To win any argument about nutrition all you need to say is, “You need to read Good Calories, Bad Calories by Gary Taubes.” Follow with mic drop.
  • The best diet is one that requires you to pee on a stick.
  • If you’re using your grain brain to contemplate your wheat belly, it’s because your gut leaks.
  • If a 3rd grader Food Babe can’t pronounce it, don’t eat it. On a related note, açaí and quinoa are superfoods that must be consumed with every meal.
  • Oils are essential.

Be sure to follow me on Facebook and Twitter so you can learn more about my upcoming book: The Zodiac Diet: How to Eat Right for Your Astrological Sign.

Did I forget any? Add yours to the list here.

James S. Fell is an internationally syndicated fitness columnist for the Chicago Tribune and author of Lose it Right: A Brutally Honest 3-Stage Program to Help You Get Fit and Lose Weight Without Losing Your Mind, published by Random House Canada. He also interviews celebrities about their fitness stories for the Los Angeles Times, and is head fitness columnist for AskMen.com and a regular contributor to Men’s Health.

 

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