My cheeseburger > your cheeseburger.
I say that with confidence, because much profanity went into mine. It took a while to figure out how to not make the fuckers fall apart on the grill. So I kept tweaking the mix, not realizing it wasn’t the goddamn mix that was the problem. But still, in the process of buggering with the mix, I achieved perfection.
My motherfucking cheeseburgers are the best. And like that Elven whey shit bread from Lord of the Rings, one can fill the stomach of a grown man for several hours.
People come from o’er the land for my cheeseburgers, so this is a party recipe. In other words, I’m gonna teach you how to make a shit-ton of them. If you don’t like the fact that I’m teaching you how to make 15 burgers at once, do some fucking math. Better yet, make the whole batch and freeze half.
Before we get started, I want to praise a country the Americans once bombed the everloving shit out of.
HA! You thought I was going to say “Germany,” didn’t you. Cuz hamburgers were invented in Hamburg, or something. Nope, it’s Japan, because Japanese people have brought us some amazing shit. I’ve only ever owned Japanese cars. Right now I have a Honda named Rhonda. Get it?
Japanese people also gave us teriyaki. Teriyaki is a wonder sauce. These are motherfucking teriyaki burgers, and they are amazeballs.
Let’s do this.
- Dead cow, ground up. I dunno how much. Four pounds? Maybe five? Sure. Go with five. For 15 burgers that’s a third of a pound each. Go for lean rather than extra lean. Extra lean is fine, just expensive. I just saved you money. You’re welcome.
- Consider replacing one pound of the lean ground up dead cow with ground up dead lamb. Usually you’ll find this in the frozen section – I’m proud to live in a world when you can get lamb stuffed into a motherfucking tube. Adding lamb makes it taste fucking amazing. One-fifth lamb meat = burger that tastes like 80% lamb. Not sure how that works. Anyway, MAJOR FUCKING WARNING! Every time I do this I get lamb death farts that put me in danger of being served divorce papers.
- Kraft Original BBQ Sauce. I don’t get all these fancy ass, super expensive, alcohol-impregnated-hickory-smoke-virgin-prepared BBQ sauces. I’ve tried them all. Fucking Kraft Original. The GMOs make it good.
- THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE! Kikkoman teriyaki baste. “Baste” means “thick.” Get the thick shit. No motherfucking substitutes. Found another kind of teriyaki baste? NO! Kikkoman or GTFO.
- Another secret ingredient: Clubhouse brand meatloaf mix – half a package or less.
- Three slices of whole wheat, whole grain bread, because white bread is made from sadness, turned into bread crumbs. There is no fucking blender on the planet that will grind these without help. Break them into chunks, put them into the blender, turn the blender on, pick that fucking blender up and shake it like you’re not supposed to shake a baby. That will do the trick.
- Three eggs.
- Maybe a few squirts of Louisiana hot sauce. This one is optional.
Mixing the motherfucking ingredients
Leave the dead critter part aside. For the BBQ sauce, you’re going to want about two or three tablespoons. For the teriyaki, more like four or five tablesoons. I don’t know; I just eyeball that shit. Put in the eggs and bread crumbs and 1/3 to 1/2 a package of the meatloaf mix, and stir the fuck out of it.
Then put in the dead critter and prepare yourself for a workout.
Mix that shit but good. It doesn’t mix easy, and you want to make sure it’s all fairly even or you’re going to have half of your burgers bland and the other half be “what the fuck?”
Making the motherfucking patties
Put some goddamn effort into it.
This is where I used to fuck up. This is one of the reasons why I swore so much, because I was a wimp and didn’t get angry at my meat. You need to work that shit into a hard ball like you’re gonna huck it at the lead singer of Nickelback. Work it. Make that sucker tight. And big. And once it’s a tight, big ball you flatten it into a tight, big patty.
Afterwards, your hands should look like you’ve been performing open cow surgery. If they don’t, you done fucked up.
Pro tip: For every patty make a thumb print divot in the middle. This will help prevent them from going vertical; they’ll stay more flat.
Grilling the motherfucking patties
Clean that damn grill. Clean all the shit out of the bottom too, because these things drip, and a dirty grill will catch fire, and then you’re fucked. And not the good kind of fucked neither. The bad kind. The on fire kind.
Heat the grill to medium or a tad lower. Medium is the max heat. If you cook it too fast, it will fall apart when you go to flip it, and there will be much profanity. Trust me, I know from experience. About the falling apart, and the swearing.
Just before you put the motherfucking patties on, spray the grill with some non-stick shit. Pam or whatever, butane GMO toxins be-damned. Actually, I have this sprayer called a “Misto” or something that has canola oil in it. You pump that sucker by hand and it vaporizes the oil. Works like a mofo.
So, put the patties on the grill, and then this is fucking important:
- For the side that is up, brush with some of that Kikoman teriyaki baste shit.
- You’re only going to flip this burger once, so wait until the underside has some nice grill marks. Lift the edge up to see that it’s got some marks, then flip it.
- Once flipped, press the burger flat again. There will be grease, and if you were a dumb fuck and didn’t clean that grill like I told you, there will also be fire. That’s your fault.
- For the now grilled side, brush on more of that teriyaki baste shit. You don’t need much.
- When it’s about three or four minutes from being done, put some cheese on it. Not that “processed cheese food” shit either. Whatever cheese you want. I dig Kraft cheddar, because fuck you.
Oh, and the grill lid is closed during the entire time that you’re not actively fucking with the burgers.
I never really timed it. It’s more of an eyeball thing. You’re looking for good grill marks. Cooking time is maybe 15-20 minutes. Don’t undercook. Undercooked burgers is bad. Cuz e coli and shit.
Eating that motherfucking burger
You ready for this shit? You want burger making hero status? Then listen up, motherfucker.
Mother. Fucking. Mushrooms.
Brown ones, because like with bread, the white ones are made from sadness. Slice a bunch of brown mushrooms and keep that sharp knife handy. Melt some butter in a pan, add in some regular old soy sauce, plus a good wallop of the bitchin’ Kikkoman teriyaki baste. Cook those MF mushrooms at medium until they’re yummy. Yes, you can multi task this shit and do it while the burgers are cooking. The mushrooms take a while to cook, and you don’t want burgers getting cold while motherfucking mushrooms are cooking.
Oh, the knife. I told you to keep it handy. This is to defend the mushrooms. You may need to cut a bitch, because motherfuckers will come into your kitchen and eat ALL the motherfucking mushrooms before the burgers are done. You only need to stab one of them and the others will get the message.
Also, onions. No fucking thick slices, okay? Slice it paper thin. Tomatoes are good too. Fuck lettuce though. You got motherfucking mushrooms, and that’s a vegetable, right?
Bun: Whole wheat whole grain buns. Don’t you fucking dare taint my burger with that white shit.
On the top side of the bun I put a bit of mayo (and NOT motherfucking Miracle Whip), and the bottom some more of that awesome MF teriyaki baste.
And then I eat the shit out of that motherfucker cheeseburger.
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James S. Fell is an internationally syndicated fitness columnist for the Chicago Tribune and author of Lose it Right: A Brutally Honest 3-Stage Program to Help You Get Fit and Lose Weight Without Losing Your Mind, published by Random House Canada. He also interviews celebrities about their fitness stories for the Los Angeles Times, and is head fitness columnist for AskMen.com and a regular contributor to Men’s Health.