My wife is a mother. I’m allowed to use that word. Get over it.

I put Nutella in my banana bread a while ago. That was stupid. Why was it stupid? Because a shit-ton of calories were added for a negligible change in taste, that’s why.

It was my kids’ idea. Stupid kids and their stupid high metabolisms that can burn through a shit-ton of calories just by farting. They took my normally calorically reasonable banana bread and made it into a high sugar nightmare that is the bane of weight loss, and gave almost nothing in return.

But hazelnuts, tho.

Yeah, my friend Dr. Yoni Freedhoff blasted the shit out of that claim with this viral video. A recommended serving size of Nutella is 2 tablespoons, which only has five hazelnuts, plus a wee bit of cocoa, some palm oil, a bit of skim milk and whey powder, and a whopping five-and-a-half teaspoons of sugar, and all of this adds up to 200 calories.

And for this loaf of banana bread my kids wanted about four tablespoons of the stuff, so that added 400 calories to the loaf, with almost no taste change. So not worth it.

So how do you make good tasting banana bread and keep the calories down? First, let’s look at a recipe I found on the Internet. DON’T eat this motherfucking banana bread.

 

Ingredients Calories
3 very ripe bananas ~270
1/3 cup melted butter 542
1 cup of sugar 773
1 egg 70
1 teaspoon vanilla extract Who cares?
1 teaspoon baking soda Are you kidding me?
Pinch of salt Fuck off
1.5 cups all purpose flour 682
Total 2,337 calories per loaf

 

And don’t forget that I once made the dumbass mistake of adding 400 calories worth of Nutella to that shit. Definitely don’t do that.

Even without the Nutella this banana bread has a lot more calories than it needs to. Since there are four people in my family I’m eating a quarter of that loaf. This is over two days, so that’s a total of 582 calories (again, no Nutella), which is 291 calories per slice. Well, add about 20 calories of butter to each slice, because yummy, so round it out at 310 a slice.

Fuck that. I know a better way. I took that recipe and adapted the shit out of it. This is the motherfucking banana bread you want to eat:

 

Ingredients Calories
5 very ripe bananas ~450
1/3 cup Greek Yogurt (Banana flavor? Why the fuck not? Vanilla is good too.) 80
1/2 cup of sugar 387
1 egg 70
1 teaspoon vanilla extract Yeah
1 teaspoon baking soda What
Pinch of salt Ever
1.5 cups all purpose flour 682
Total 1,669 calories per loaf

 

Check that shit out: 668 calories removed, 7 grams of protein added (by replacing butter with Greek yogurt), and lots of empty calories from added white sugar replaced with far more nutritional goodness by increasing the number of bananas from 3 to 5. And remember, butter is not a motherfucking super food, so don’t lose your shit over cutting it out. There are no motherfucking super foods. Especially motherfucking dark chocolate.

Again, I still like to put a wee spread of butter on the finished product, but each slice is now down to 230 calories (that’s with some butter spread on it) instead of 310 per slice (again, 8 slices per loaf, because family of four and all that shit).

So, healthier, more filling, fewer calories, better tasting, and don’t forget not to add any MOTHERFUCKING NUTELLA!

Bake that sucker for an hour at 350, let cool for ten minutes, then you eat the shit out of that motherfucking banana bread.

Oh, and you can put some nuts or other shit in it if you want. I don’t fucking care.

 

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James S. Fell is an internationally syndicated fitness columnist for the Chicago Tribune and author of Lose it Right: A Brutally Honest 3-Stage Program to Help You Get Fit and Lose Weight Without Losing Your Mind, published by Random House Canada. He also interviews celebrities about their fitness stories for the Los Angeles Times, and is head fitness columnist for AskMen.com.

 

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